it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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