i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
