I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
