My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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