Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
