life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your dad touched me again.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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