if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
