i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
