If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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