A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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