Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
