remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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