i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i now understand why vodka
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
