What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was confusing and full of hummus
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
