Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize