My balls are so social today.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
