Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
