What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
