I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
