Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
