The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
