i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
