i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
