This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
