you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
How's work?
Spinning.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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