i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
