you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
