The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
