you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
