At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
