Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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