What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
