shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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