I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
