When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
