If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize