My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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