i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize