I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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