best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
