glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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