ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
that's an acceptable place to lick
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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