its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
