If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
