I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There's always time for handjobs
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize