dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
As shirtless as possible
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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