i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
