he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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