Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize