i just had sex bonerless
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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