this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They took my balls.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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