I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize