Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
