it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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