Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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